Monday, April 2, 2012

Counting On Your Faithfulness

Often times I use this blog as a journal for myself to remember things that have happened in our life.  Today I writing for that reason, and also to encourage anyone whom this post may help.  Not many people know about a recent trial Pete & I endured.  On the exciting and happy day that Pete and I found out our little bean was a little boy, we also were informed that he has two cysts in the right hemisphere of his brain.  Being first time parents, although we were assured that it was nothing to fret about *yet* it was a little bewildering.  At first, the news didn't really set in, as we were so excited and joyful at the thought of a little boy.  But as the days went on before my next appointment to check on the cysts, I allowed anxiety to creep in.  Pete remained confident and reassuring to my blubbering episodes, and for that I am so thankful.

A little background information on the cysts:  they are called Choroid Plexus Cysts and are found in about %1-%3 of all ultrasounds.  They typically appear between 16 & 20 weeks resolve themselves at around 24 weeks.  The reason they raise any concern at all is that they are markers for Edwards Syndrome, i.e. Trisomy 18.  I will spare you any details of what these involve, you can research them on your own.  However, having only the cysts as a sole symptom, it is very unlikely of a child actually having Edwards Syndrome.  Other markers include club feet, fisted-hands unable to open, abnormalities within the heart, a small-measuring head, etc.... Canon had none of these other markers.  I am so thankful that his sole marker were these cysts.  Although my doctor assured me, that even if he had other markers, it would not necessarily mean he had Edwards.  The Lord was gracious to us in this area; if he had any other markers, I am not sure I would have been able to endure the following six weeks of waiting and check-ups with the little strength that I had.

At 24 weeks, I had an appointment at the hospital, as they needed a specialized nuero-cardial ultrasound M.D. to take a peek at our sweet boy.  Unfortunately, Pete wasn't able to be there with me, but a dear friend came and supported me.  I honestly had no anxiety and didn't think I would even need someone to sit beside me, but a few days before the ultrasound, I felt overwhelmed at what it could mean if the cysts were indeed still present.  I am so thankful that this close friend was able to support me throughout this long appointment.  Legally the ultrasound tech wasn't able to tell me anything as she was inspecting my son.  She took pictures of his heart for over an hour, while my friend and I sat in silence.  It was difficult to not be told "he's beautiful, he's growing so well, he's right on schedule" ... the typical things I was used to hearing at my Doctor's office.  Unfortunately, the cysts has not resolved themselves at this point. Because of this, I was asked to come back in two weeks so that they could check on him again to make sure they weren't growing or multiplying.  The only hope that I held onto those next two weeks was that one of the cysts has disappeared.  The Lord knew my anxious heart, knew my uncertainty, and He gave me a shimmer of hope.

Although the next two weeks were very hard to wait through, I leaned on the Lord, on His peace and that He knew all of this before Canon was ever a glint inside me.  I never became angry with the Lord, only scared for my son, which is still a sin as I was anxious.  I prayed daily for the Lord to remove my doubt, wept only once, gave it to the Lord and took assurance from my husband.  Pete kept reminding me, "God is still on the throne.  He isn't worried, He isn't pacing.  He knows, He cares, and He loves us. God is sovereign."  I am so thankful for the worship music that God placed in my life during these two weeks, for the encouraging words from close family and friends that knew the inner-workings of the situation, and for God's peace.

Two weeks later, 26 weeks along, I made my way back to hospital alone.  My friend offered to be there, but I didn't want to take up another 2-3 hours of her time, and I also wanted to go alone, knowing that God was with me.  I can not explain the amount of peace I had.  There was no room for the devil on that car ride to the hospital.  I worshipped Jesus, I prayed, and I went into my appointment with a clear mind.  I had already prepared my heart for the cysts to still be present and but I held onto the promise that God was in control.  I was also so excited to just see my little boy's face again.  I was SO blessed to be able to see him in 3D/4D - an unexpected blessing that Pete and I wouldn't have been able to otherwise enjoy.  With confidence, I joyfully cried at the beautiful sight of my son: he sweetly posed for several shots (he must know who his parents are).

No cysts were found, no new developments discovered.  I rushed to Pete's work and showed him the dozens of pictures of our son and told him the exciting news.  Although Pete was a steady rock for me during this period of time, I saw relief and joy in his face as he saw his son in 3D/4D for the first time.

Thank you Lord for protecting our son.  Thank You for the mercy bestowed upon us.  Thank You that he is healthy, growing, and perfectly on track.  Thank You for the heart You have tenderly woven inside of him and for the plan You have for him.  Thank You for every movement, hiccup, and sign of life You assure me with daily.  We give You Canon, Lord.  We surrender our will for his life.  We pray for a safe delivery, a healthy baby boy, and a joyful time of becoming a family.  Thank you for this blessing and for the opportunity to be parents - what a great responsibility it is.  We love you, amen.